For the past 3 months, I have made a pact to myself to swear off random, slutty guys that come my way, in hopes of eventually finding someone I like.
In the past, I have had my slutty phase. I didn’t care about my reputation, or self value as long as it satisfied my current thirst. It’s safe to say that I let myself put out without much thought because I know people around me that does it so casually too. It got to a point where it got too casual, and I had to take a step back and re-evaluate how happy I was in the long run in terms of looking at my past.
Like many other girls, I enjoy male attention and company. Up until first year university, I wasn’t able to take guys flirting with me seriously because I would think they’re joking or making fun of me. After that I got a better grasp at the potential I had with my overall personality and my looks. Even after the growing I have done, I am still having troubles. I respond to guys being interested in me, even though I know they’re only interested in the physical stuff. It’s just nice to have the attention, and I wasn’t able to distinguish lust from actual general interest in me. There’s also a difference between only telling each other things and actually having discussions to better know each other. If telling each other about what happened that day is the only topic of conversation that we have, we have a problem. I also came to realize during my series of sexcapades, men that don’t care about me are selfish lovers. I don’t feel comfortable communicating and usually get the shitty end of the stick. (Sorry for the TMI)
When I realized I wasn’t being satisfied emotionally and sexually, I decided that next mister I get intimate with will be someone I actually like. I’m not looking to marry said guy, but something more than shallow chats would be nice.
I would really like this to be upheld, but sometimes I do get jealous seeing my friends getting involved with guys, knowing that I could too if I wanted to. What if I don’t find someone nice for the next year? But I guess this would give me an opportunity to actually try to get to know people. So much internal and sexual frustration but I’ll live.
Sorry for such a personal post. I just wanted to document this for whenever I have doubts, so I can come back to have a gander and to refresh my memory.